Changes

I haven't blogged in a while. There have been several reasons for that. One of the reasons was that I was looking for work. It has been a process that has been time consuming as well as frustrating and exhausting. Another reason: college. Not only am I busy with course work but the financial aid and registration process that goes along with it. But I enjoy school so for the most part it has been a pleasant distraction.

However, one of the biggest reasons that I have failed to update my blog recently is one that is rather complex and difficult to explain. This blog was intended to be a story about my ongoing journey towards weight loss. But it is driven toward a goal rather than a story of the person I am in the present. In other words, both my blog postings and my own dialogue in my head has turned into a story about my past (what I failed to do, the exercises that I didn't do, the food I shouldn't have eaten, the weight I shouldn't have gained) and the future that I hope for (how I will feel when I'm thin, the places I'll be able to go, the clothes I'll buy). Longing for that uncertain future becomes defeating and depressing rather than empowering.

Over the past few years, I had begun convincing myself that being content with the person that I am in the present is equivalent to complacency but it is not. I can work toward change while already appreciating the world that I find myself in. I have to stop playing the tape in my head that reminds me of all the mistakes I've made. I actually thought that constantly reminding myself of my errors would keep me from repeating them again, but instead they just weigh me down and prevent me from being open and from being myself. I don't have to sit on the sidelines quietly hoping for my turn to get up and start enjoying life.

For too long, I have let judgmental and careless people influence and affect me. There are a few friends that I had to part ways with because their “help” sounded too much like insults rather than something constructive. If the things that make me who I am bother you so much, then maybe we should go our separate ways. I can't beg for your friendship and attention. It is demeaning and unfair and you've already wasted too much of my time. (Of course, those two sentences are not directed at the reader in particular but they were what I was thinking in my head at the time.) My one regret is wasting my time on people who didn't deserve my time while letting other possible friendships get away. But I cannot dwell on that. I have to take a deep breath and move forward.

I'm thinking of possibly changing the name of my blog, too. While weight loss is one of the goals in my life, I can only concern myself with the present—taking each day one step at a time, being mindful of what I eat and how often I exercise, studying, working (I may have a job on Monday!), and maintaining relationships with those who already value the person that I already am.