I find it very frustrating when people tell me I'm not trying. I usually hear this from people who have never struggled with weight gain. They're the kids that were always picked first in gym class, always wore the latest fashions, always had a boyfriend/girlfriend. The hardest thing they seemed to struggle with was finding time to go to all the parties they were invited to.
This may sound like jealousy but that's not what's going on here. I just feel that if you haven't gone through what I am going through, then you don't have any reason to criticize. Would it be fair for a man or a woman who hasn't had children criticize a woman in labor for screaming too much? Or, would it be fair for a person who has two healthy parents to criticize someone who recently lost both parents that they are grieving too much? Of course not. Both would be ridiculous. So why is it okay to insult me?
It's hard enough to struggle with not being able to sleep because you're stomach is growling and exercising with 60, 70, or 80 extra pounds on your body (just imagine trying to do aerobics with a backpack full of books on), and then having to face the scale and seeing that you've gained instead of lost. Imagine being called lazy, sloppy, gross, disgusting, nauseating, a pig, a slob, and so on for years on end and knowing that all those insults would stop if you could just lose the weight. Every day that I get out of bed, I am reminded of what I am and what I'm not. Having to look in the mirror and seeing what I see is torture. It seems only to get worse than better.
So if you're reading this and have never battled significant weight gain, please remember that the words you speak can stay with someone for the rest of their lives. So why not make them positive?
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
No Rest for the Weary
Another sleepless night. It has become a frustrating trend that is becoming a major problem. No matter how exhausted I am, I can't sleep.
It started in high school. I never really stayed up late on purpose, but falling asleep felt like jumping a hurdle and I could never seem to make the jump easily. Some days I would go to school with no sleep whatsoever. Other days, I rushed desperately to get to school on time and was late on numerous occasions. I enjoyed walking to school with a friend of mine, but because I was constantly oversleeping, I missed out on those opportunities.
It continued into adulthood, but I was able to get medication to combat the problem. At first, it was over-the-counter remedies. Then it progressed to prescription drugs. They worked for several years. Then a few years ago, they stopped working.
I've tried a variety of techniques: warm milk, warm baths/showers right before bed, herbal tea and supplements, a white noise machine, lavender room spray, self-hypnosis, acupuncture, etc. If you can think of it, I have probably tried it. Doctors really have no idea and recommended a sleep study. Unfortunately, the last few insurers I had would not cover the study and the cost was too much for me.
Why should I expect an insurance company to take my problem seriously if most people don't? Whenever I mention that I didn't sleep the night before, it's open season on advice. Some say that I don't try hard enough. Or that I don't expend enough energy during the day. Even when I was lifting heavy boxes all day at work and going to the gym on a daily basis I still suffered from many sleepless nights.
Sometimes, I am able to sleep normally for a little while if I go to bed between 4:00 and 5:00 AM and wake up naturally at 12:00 or 1:00 PM. This doesn't always work, either, and there have been several times over the past few years that I have been up for 3 days straight. It's hard to get a job, though. Most late night jobs involve a lot of physical strength and the ones that don't (like working in a 7-11, for example) end up becoming an argument about my safety with my family.
I also don't appreciate the idea that people who "sleep late" are "lazy." I am actually very busy late at night doing housework, homework, and shopping (mostly online but have actually gone grocery shopping at 11:00 PM). Sleeping till noon when you went to sleep at 4:00 AM technically isn't "sleeping in" since that would only be 8 hours of sleep, but it's definitely perceived that way. Society treats early birds as virtuous, hard-working people; night owls are treated like lazy bums.
When I don't sleep for over 24 hours, I start getting jittery and anxious. After 48 hours, I start to have mood swings. I get to the point where I'm jumping to conclusions, getting angry or sad at the simplest things, dropping things, and having trouble concentrating. After a couple days without sleep, I refuse to drive. I read once that a sleep-deprived driver is as bad as an intoxicated driver.
I just want to live like a normal person.
It started in high school. I never really stayed up late on purpose, but falling asleep felt like jumping a hurdle and I could never seem to make the jump easily. Some days I would go to school with no sleep whatsoever. Other days, I rushed desperately to get to school on time and was late on numerous occasions. I enjoyed walking to school with a friend of mine, but because I was constantly oversleeping, I missed out on those opportunities.
It continued into adulthood, but I was able to get medication to combat the problem. At first, it was over-the-counter remedies. Then it progressed to prescription drugs. They worked for several years. Then a few years ago, they stopped working.
I've tried a variety of techniques: warm milk, warm baths/showers right before bed, herbal tea and supplements, a white noise machine, lavender room spray, self-hypnosis, acupuncture, etc. If you can think of it, I have probably tried it. Doctors really have no idea and recommended a sleep study. Unfortunately, the last few insurers I had would not cover the study and the cost was too much for me.
Why should I expect an insurance company to take my problem seriously if most people don't? Whenever I mention that I didn't sleep the night before, it's open season on advice. Some say that I don't try hard enough. Or that I don't expend enough energy during the day. Even when I was lifting heavy boxes all day at work and going to the gym on a daily basis I still suffered from many sleepless nights.
Sometimes, I am able to sleep normally for a little while if I go to bed between 4:00 and 5:00 AM and wake up naturally at 12:00 or 1:00 PM. This doesn't always work, either, and there have been several times over the past few years that I have been up for 3 days straight. It's hard to get a job, though. Most late night jobs involve a lot of physical strength and the ones that don't (like working in a 7-11, for example) end up becoming an argument about my safety with my family.
I also don't appreciate the idea that people who "sleep late" are "lazy." I am actually very busy late at night doing housework, homework, and shopping (mostly online but have actually gone grocery shopping at 11:00 PM). Sleeping till noon when you went to sleep at 4:00 AM technically isn't "sleeping in" since that would only be 8 hours of sleep, but it's definitely perceived that way. Society treats early birds as virtuous, hard-working people; night owls are treated like lazy bums.
When I don't sleep for over 24 hours, I start getting jittery and anxious. After 48 hours, I start to have mood swings. I get to the point where I'm jumping to conclusions, getting angry or sad at the simplest things, dropping things, and having trouble concentrating. After a couple days without sleep, I refuse to drive. I read once that a sleep-deprived driver is as bad as an intoxicated driver.
I just want to live like a normal person.
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