Bittersweet...? Maybe...

Sometimes, life is strange. One day it is like a slap in the face. It is awful and mean and ugly. Yet the next day can be truly rewarding and fulfilling. They are the kind of days that leave you feeling light and wonderful. Some days things can be so terrific and so horrible at the same time you are left with a feeling of utter confusion. Should I give myself permission to feel good about the things that are going right while there are so many things going wrong? Today was a wonderful day. It was spent with people that I enjoy being around. We enjoy each others' company. I felt like there were a couple of people that I really connected with in a way that I haven't been able to in a while. But at the same time, there is just so much bad news that can't be ignored. To ignore it would be callous and insensitive. Besides, forgetting would not solve anything but would only end up making me feel worse. So am I left with this inexplicable feeling. I have been feeling that way a lot lately. I spent a period where I didn't know what I wanted or who I really was. I felt fractured: there were all these various parts of me but they didn't seem complete. I was missing something. I was wasting my time wanting things that weren't right for me and not understanding why I was unsatisfied or how to change it. I have a better idea of the person I am and I am coming to grips with accepting that person (which is still a daily struggle). I know a lot more about what I want out of life and understand how the various facets of “me” fit together better. I still have a lot to learn though. Meanwhile, life goes on. I thought when I was younger that with age and experience life would be easier. Yet it seems to be the opposite. Life's complexity seems to increase exponentially as the days pass. The more you learn about life, the larger the “gray areas” become. So I am left with this feeling that I cannot find the words for. Is this what they call bittersweet? Who knows? By the time I learn the answer to the question, I don't think the terminology will matter at all.

Wanting to Leave

Today I feel cold. Which is unlike me. I am rarely cold. But today I am cold. I want to be away from here. I want to be at home, wrapped in a warm blanket watching a movie or some reruns on Netflix. I don't feel like reading, though. My mind is too cluttered and unfocused. I don't want to be here any longer. I passed a member of PTK and there was no recognition. No one knows me here. I am an island. I would feel like i didn't exist if I didn't get the stares from the young and beautiful who are just taking classes between social engagements. I make them sick. I make myself sick. So they say when you're down find a way to reward yourself. With what? Food is my enemy. I can't treat myself to a chocolate bar or a sundae. I'd like some new clothes but very little fits and what fits is too expensive. Can't afford a shiny new video game. Can't afford anything really. Having to borrow a few dollars from your parents to go out with acquaintances just so you don't have to stare at the same four walls is humiliating. I feel like someone has taken pity on me. I imagined that life today would be so different back then. It's not what I had imagined. It's nothing like that at all. 34 feels like 18, except I'm slower, older, heavier. I feel drained. Like I'm wading through molasses. And the dream that was just in reach has been moved farther away. It's as if this endeavor was in vain. Time is moving too quickly and is running out. Maybe I should just leave now. Go home and cry myself to sleep.

Changes

I haven't blogged in a while. There have been several reasons for that. One of the reasons was that I was looking for work. It has been a process that has been time consuming as well as frustrating and exhausting. Another reason: college. Not only am I busy with course work but the financial aid and registration process that goes along with it. But I enjoy school so for the most part it has been a pleasant distraction.

However, one of the biggest reasons that I have failed to update my blog recently is one that is rather complex and difficult to explain. This blog was intended to be a story about my ongoing journey towards weight loss. But it is driven toward a goal rather than a story of the person I am in the present. In other words, both my blog postings and my own dialogue in my head has turned into a story about my past (what I failed to do, the exercises that I didn't do, the food I shouldn't have eaten, the weight I shouldn't have gained) and the future that I hope for (how I will feel when I'm thin, the places I'll be able to go, the clothes I'll buy). Longing for that uncertain future becomes defeating and depressing rather than empowering.

Over the past few years, I had begun convincing myself that being content with the person that I am in the present is equivalent to complacency but it is not. I can work toward change while already appreciating the world that I find myself in. I have to stop playing the tape in my head that reminds me of all the mistakes I've made. I actually thought that constantly reminding myself of my errors would keep me from repeating them again, but instead they just weigh me down and prevent me from being open and from being myself. I don't have to sit on the sidelines quietly hoping for my turn to get up and start enjoying life.

For too long, I have let judgmental and careless people influence and affect me. There are a few friends that I had to part ways with because their “help” sounded too much like insults rather than something constructive. If the things that make me who I am bother you so much, then maybe we should go our separate ways. I can't beg for your friendship and attention. It is demeaning and unfair and you've already wasted too much of my time. (Of course, those two sentences are not directed at the reader in particular but they were what I was thinking in my head at the time.) My one regret is wasting my time on people who didn't deserve my time while letting other possible friendships get away. But I cannot dwell on that. I have to take a deep breath and move forward.

I'm thinking of possibly changing the name of my blog, too. While weight loss is one of the goals in my life, I can only concern myself with the present—taking each day one step at a time, being mindful of what I eat and how often I exercise, studying, working (I may have a job on Monday!), and maintaining relationships with those who already value the person that I already am.

Less

Sometimes I feel as though those who are overweight are treated as second-class citizens. That those who are overweight and obese are not worthy of the same respect that we owe to everyone else. Don't get me wrong: I am not saying that being obese is okay from the health standpoint. I think that some people confuse acceptance with one's appearance as accepting everything that goes along with it. I've done that myself as well. I think to myself, "If I say that I am acceptable in appearance, does that mean that I am okay with the fact also that I have high blood pressure and diabetes and may have even more serious consequences down the road?" It's hard to accept who you are while at the same time trying to change that person. It's the hardest thing that I think I've ever done. And I'm not even there yet. The moments of disgust still outnumber the times when I am okay with myself. Society as a whole seems very negative toward those who do not fit some kind of ideal that really doesn't exist. When we compare ourselves to a model in a fashion magazine, we aren't really comparing ourselves with reality. The photos in magazines are the product of a photographer who has spent years of training to capture the best picture possible and sophisticated lighting that is adjusted until the light is hitting the subject in just the right way. After the best photo is selected from hundreds of shots, it is edited by computer software to smooth out any imperfections (there have even been times when ears, arms, and other body parts have been completely "photoshopped" out entirely). I have never met anyone who isn't aware of this, yet society by and large accepts this skewed view of reality as the ideal (when the ideal simply doesn't even exist in the first place). I think that this unrealistic ideal is what leads people to seek out quick fixes for their weight problems. It leads to unnecessary stress on the mind and body. It leads people who have the discipline or the "good genes" to be thin to be harshly and unfairly critical of those they deem "disgusting" and "lazy." It leads some men to say in one breath, "I can't stand it when you're on a date with a girl and all she gets is a freakin' salad," and in the next breath say, "I hate fat chicks."