When you start to wonder if it's possible

I know that blogging about weight the day after Christmas doesn't make sense. However, I can assure you my holiday eating has been rather scant. Even if it hadn't been, I've spent months working with a physical therapist who has served as a personal trainer who has been pushing me as hard as possible three days a week and giving me rigorous homework the other three days. I injured my knee somehow (probably because I'm obese, no doubt) and despite needing a cane for a while I still exercised as much as possible, taking stairs when I could and never once using a motorized cart or a handicap parking space. I've worked up a sweat every single day, even when it hurt like hell and the only thing I had to relieve the pain was over-the-counter painkillers. I painstakingly wrote down every single calorie even when I was overwhelmed with essays, exams, and lab assignments. I cried when it got hard but wasn't it worth it? It would be worth it in the end when my jeans were looser and my t-shirts not so tight.

But that never happened. In fact, I've gained weight. I bought exercise bands, a medicine ball and a strap for stretching and still nothing. I've missed out on stuff on campus so I could rush home and spend an hour and a half exercising and nothing. I lost my teens being made fun of and being self-conscious, my 20's being fat and having no fun and not being able to wear anything remotely fashionable, and no my 30's. I've spent most of life being overweight and miserable as a result. I'd give anything to be beautiful and worthwhile.

Going Forward

I'll be the first to admit that most of my previous posts are crap. They are mostly self-loathing and self-pity which hasn't gotten me anywhere. I haven't lost all the weight that I had the potential to lose and I'm facing bigger problems now that I did in the past. As of now, it's not anything I can't control with diet, exercise, and medication. But it's not a good thing and I am definitely struggling. I am making a promise to myself to think better and do better.

I will never be perfect and have to accept that there will be some horrible days. I'll make bad food choices. I'll get involved with the 9000 things that are part of life and miss my workout. That's okay. Even a machine can miss routine maintenance once in a while and not stop working completely. But like a machine, eventually the wear-and-tear becomes too much and all those missed "maintenance" sessions will add up. Perhaps that is where I find myself now. All is not lost, but unless changes are made, this machine will cease to operate.

I think I spend too much time beating myself up over missed workouts and poor meal choices than making the right decisions. I let myself be swayed by those who tell me. "Just this time you can ___" when I know that I really should make a better choice. A slice of cake or an extra large order of fries will never feel as good as making a good choice and eating something that is healthier and more filling. I've never regretted eating an apple or two, nor have I ever thought an extra 15 minutes on the treadmill was time better spent doing something else.

This calls to mind an "abs" class I took once for free at the community college I attended. It was basically 30 minutes straight of intense abdominal exercises with very little rest in between exercises, but changes in position to work different areas, two times per week. I remember having to think about a movie star who had a challenging movie role requiring a great deal of exercise to train for her role just to endure. I felt so out of place. Most of the kids were in pretty good shape, but here I was on the floor gasping and sweating and feeling like a whale. But I persevered and felt like a million dollars once I caught my breath, changed, and went back to the work-study job I also had on those mornings. The only time I ever felt awful was when I missed out.

It's hard to do what I need to do sometimes. But I just have to.

And I plan to have better stuff on my blog as well.

Stay tuned.

I understand, but...

Lately, I have been hearing a lot of this nonsense:

“I understand that you have depression, but there’s no reason you have to mope around and be unhappy.”

“I understand that you have anxiety, but you don’t need to have panic attacks and ‘freak out’ so much.”

“I understand that you have ADHD, but there’s no reason why you can’t concentrate like everyone else.”

“I understand that you have autism, but you should be able to learn the material just as easily as everyone else if you try hard enough.”

“I understand that you have asthma, but there’s no reason you can’t work out as hard as the rest of us.”

Obviously, this isn’t all directed at me (I don’t have all of these conditions). But over my life, I’ve heard a few statements that were similar to these. And for some reason I’ve been hearing statements similar to these a lot lately.

Saying that you understand and following it up with a completely contradictory statement means that you truly don’t understand. There are people in the world who suffer from illnesses that you probably will never fully understand. I don’t know what it’s like to suffer from multiple sclerosis, for example. So I can’t tell someone who does what they should or should not be able to accomplish. I can encourage them. I can listen. I can try to understand. But if they say they can’t, then they can’t.

I’m not perfect. I know there are times when I’ve underestimated or overestimated what others with mental and physical health problems could or couldn’t do. If you’re reading this and I’ve done this to you and never apologized because I didn’t realize my error, then I am sorry.

But if you say you understand, then you have to accept that with understanding there are things that person can or can’t do that you won’t be able to comprehend. Even if you suffer from the same illness, your experience will not be the same as another person’s struggle. You can’t say, “Well, I have such-and-such, but you don’t see ME having a problem!” Use your success in dealing with your problem to support and help another person who might need someone right now. If you truly understand, then you accept that person “as-is.” And if you can’t, simply say, “I’m sorry but I don’t understand what you’re dealing with at all.” I’d rather here that than “I understand, but…”