Into the Open Arms of Summer

This weekend I was blessed with a healthy dose of some wonderfully warm weather. It was 70 degrees F on Saturday and 65 on Sunday. After being closed in for months, it’s almost liberating to have the windows open and to see the windows gently fluttering in the sun soaked breeze. It’s wonderful to take a nice deep breath of fresh spring air.

Don’t get me wrong. Winter has its many charms as well. Have you ever woken up and looked out your window to see the barren, brown earth coated with snow? Maybe you’re lucky enough to have seen the snow before it melted or was disturbed by anything and just appeared as one glittering, soft blanket of white. Have you ever seen the way the sun glistens off of icicles or smelled the crisp icy air on a winter morn?

Yet for all the wonderful things about winter, it gets to the point where it just starts to last too long. You’re just plain bored of slushy snow boots and bulky winter coats. Your neck is sore from looking down all the time to figure out if what you’re about to step in is just water or if it’s a patch of slippery ice. And no matter how many times you wash your car, it seems to always be spotted with rock salt and mud.

It almost makes me look forward to summer.

Almost.

While I’m looking forward sunshine, and bright, shiny carnivals, and warm afternoons at the shore, and the sound crickets outside at night, I’m not looking forward to t-shirts and tank tops. (I’m choosing not to think of swim suits just yet.) My arms just aren’t ready. I’m not worried about my legs as much because I’ve never really liked shorts in the first place. Even when I was a bit thinner, never really found a pair I liked. They’ve either rode up or are just too long and make me look much shorter than I really am. Besides, I’ve never felt that much cooler in shorts anyway. I like a slightly baggy pair of cotton pants, especially the kind with drawstrings that hang down loose and free and sway this way and that when you walk in the breeze. Maybe when I’m down to 140 I’ll be willing to put up with ill-fitting shorts just so I can show off my legs.

But I still worry about my arms. What if I’ve been overweight for so long that the skin on my upper arms never tightens? What about my thighs? Will they still be all flappy and floppy on the inside? Will I have to save up and get plastic surgery? I’m not the least bit afraid of needles or doctors or hospitals. I’ve even fantasized about becoming a doctor myself. But I’m thinking, “what if the surgery doesn’t work? What is the surgery leaves scars that were worse than the loose skin?” I’d rather spend my money on books or a new tattoo or a DVD set of Law & Order: SVU than a surgery that didn’t do the trick.

Maybe it’s crazy to live in a society that values the beauty of tight skin over simply being healthier. Is cellulite and flabby skin unhealthy, or simply unsightly?

I’ve always figured that maybe when I lose all the weight I’ll tell my story to a talk show and maybe they’ll pay for my surgery in exchange for my story. But they’ve done that a million times so I’m sure they don’t want my dime-a-dozen story. Besides, would I really like to be in line and be recognized as, “hey, aren’t you that chick that was on Dr. Phil/Tyra/Oprah?” (Nothing against Dr. Phil, Tyra, or Oprah, but I’m not sure if I’d like that to be my claim-to-fame. I’d much rather get a bit-part on Law & Order or Cold Case than be on a talk show---fat or no fat!)

I guess I’m simply counting my chickens before they hatch. I’ll only know what I’m left with after I’m down to my goal of 140. Not if, but when. I’m not hoping to lose weight. I will lose the weight.

Minus 5

Got on the scale today and now I'm at 255. Five pounds seems like a drop of water in the ocean of weight I am trying to lose.

My boyfriend and I were on vacation two weeks ago and eating out was a very big challenge. Things that are low in fat and calories in many restaurants isn't always very filling so when I did order from the "healthy alternatives" side of the menu, I found my self ravenous within a couple of hours.

It's also a little hard to figure out what's a low calorie choice. Something that may seem low in calories or fat turns out to be much worse when you sit down and look up the nutritional content. For example, at one particular restaurant I ate a lean cut of steak with a side of vegetables and a baked potato. But once I got home and crunched the numbers I realized that meal was nearly two-thirds of my days allowance of calories. Yikes!

I still have a lot to learn about eating meals that are balanced and filling, yet low in fat and calories.

A New Beginning

I finally broke down and did it.

I signed up for Weight Watchers Online yesterday.

There comes a point in many people's lives when you look in that mirror and you are no longer tired of what you're seeing. You're plain sick of it.

I'm not the first person to reach this place, and I certainly won't be the last.

Losing weight has been nearly a lifelong battle. I was "heavy" as a kid. I hated going to school and not fitting in because I was a lot bigger than the other kids in my class and rarely got to wear the same styles they did simply because they didn't fit.

I remember my first diet. I was in middle school and I think I was 12 years old. I got this little food diary with all these tips and hints and it came with an exercise video. I don't understand why I couldn't lose the weight then. I tried as hard as I could.

I wasn't lazy as a kid. I had my share of household chores, and because I was an only child, there weren't any other kids to distribute the work among. My Dad build me a swingset with a bar that hung halfway between the top and the ground and rings. I did acrobatics in the yard whenever the weather permitted. We had an above ground pool that I would get into as soon as the weather was warm enough and would spend entire days in the summer swimming in circles around that pool.

Yet the weight remained.

And it's been a problem all my life.

I've tried Adkins and SlimFast and the Quick Weight Loss Center. I've tried counting calories and carbs and fat. I've joined support groups like Overeaters Anonymous and TOPS. I've tried Dexatrim and Hydroxycut. I even went vegan and didn't shed a pound.

I even looked into gastric bypass surgery. It was something I would consider only as a last resort, and I'm getting to that point. I was kind of hoping that it would be covered by my insurance company, yet at the same time I was sort of relived. I've heard what patients have to deal with after the surgery and the complications that can occur. I really didn't want to go through that.

The only thing that worked in the past was Weight Watchers, so I'm giving it another try. I joined in the past and did okay, but I plateaued and just couldn't seem to lose another ounce. I was so defeated by this and by the fact it was costing me $12 a week that I didn't have, I quit.

So what's changed? Well, going Weight Watchers online in conjuction with my insurance coverage is a lot cheaper than going to meetings. (After I signed up, I realized that I could probably be following the POINTS program on my own, but I failed at doing that alone, too.)

I am 260 pounds today. My goal is 140. That's 120 pounds. It seems like that will take forever. Only time will tell.