Bittersweet...? Maybe...

Sometimes, life is strange. One day it is like a slap in the face. It is awful and mean and ugly. Yet the next day can be truly rewarding and fulfilling. They are the kind of days that leave you feeling light and wonderful. Some days things can be so terrific and so horrible at the same time you are left with a feeling of utter confusion. Should I give myself permission to feel good about the things that are going right while there are so many things going wrong? Today was a wonderful day. It was spent with people that I enjoy being around. We enjoy each others' company. I felt like there were a couple of people that I really connected with in a way that I haven't been able to in a while. But at the same time, there is just so much bad news that can't be ignored. To ignore it would be callous and insensitive. Besides, forgetting would not solve anything but would only end up making me feel worse. So am I left with this inexplicable feeling. I have been feeling that way a lot lately. I spent a period where I didn't know what I wanted or who I really was. I felt fractured: there were all these various parts of me but they didn't seem complete. I was missing something. I was wasting my time wanting things that weren't right for me and not understanding why I was unsatisfied or how to change it. I have a better idea of the person I am and I am coming to grips with accepting that person (which is still a daily struggle). I know a lot more about what I want out of life and understand how the various facets of “me” fit together better. I still have a lot to learn though. Meanwhile, life goes on. I thought when I was younger that with age and experience life would be easier. Yet it seems to be the opposite. Life's complexity seems to increase exponentially as the days pass. The more you learn about life, the larger the “gray areas” become. So I am left with this feeling that I cannot find the words for. Is this what they call bittersweet? Who knows? By the time I learn the answer to the question, I don't think the terminology will matter at all.

Wanting to Leave

Today I feel cold. Which is unlike me. I am rarely cold. But today I am cold. I want to be away from here. I want to be at home, wrapped in a warm blanket watching a movie or some reruns on Netflix. I don't feel like reading, though. My mind is too cluttered and unfocused. I don't want to be here any longer. I passed a member of PTK and there was no recognition. No one knows me here. I am an island. I would feel like i didn't exist if I didn't get the stares from the young and beautiful who are just taking classes between social engagements. I make them sick. I make myself sick. So they say when you're down find a way to reward yourself. With what? Food is my enemy. I can't treat myself to a chocolate bar or a sundae. I'd like some new clothes but very little fits and what fits is too expensive. Can't afford a shiny new video game. Can't afford anything really. Having to borrow a few dollars from your parents to go out with acquaintances just so you don't have to stare at the same four walls is humiliating. I feel like someone has taken pity on me. I imagined that life today would be so different back then. It's not what I had imagined. It's nothing like that at all. 34 feels like 18, except I'm slower, older, heavier. I feel drained. Like I'm wading through molasses. And the dream that was just in reach has been moved farther away. It's as if this endeavor was in vain. Time is moving too quickly and is running out. Maybe I should just leave now. Go home and cry myself to sleep.