Words

I find it very frustrating when people tell me I'm not trying. I usually hear this from people who have never struggled with weight gain. They're the kids that were always picked first in gym class, always wore the latest fashions, always had a boyfriend/girlfriend. The hardest thing they seemed to struggle with was finding time to go to all the parties they were invited to.

This may sound like jealousy but that's not what's going on here. I just feel that if you haven't gone through what I am going through, then you don't have any reason to criticize. Would it be fair for a man or a woman who hasn't had children criticize a woman in labor for screaming too much? Or, would it be fair for a person who has two healthy parents to criticize someone who recently lost both parents that they are grieving too much? Of course not. Both would be ridiculous. So why is it okay to insult me?

It's hard enough to struggle with not being able to sleep because you're stomach is growling and exercising with 60, 70, or 80 extra pounds on your body (just imagine trying to do aerobics with a backpack full of books on), and then having to face the scale and seeing that you've gained instead of lost. Imagine being called lazy, sloppy, gross, disgusting, nauseating, a pig, a slob, and so on for years on end and knowing that all those insults would stop if you could just lose the weight. Every day that I get out of bed, I am reminded of what I am and what I'm not. Having to look in the mirror and seeing what I see is torture. It seems only to get worse than better.

So if you're reading this and have never battled significant weight gain, please remember that the words you speak can stay with someone for the rest of their lives. So why not make them positive?

No Rest for the Weary

Another sleepless night. It has become a frustrating trend that is becoming a major problem. No matter how exhausted I am, I can't sleep.

It started in high school. I never really stayed up late on purpose, but falling asleep felt like jumping a hurdle and I could never seem to make the jump easily. Some days I would go to school with no sleep whatsoever. Other days, I rushed desperately to get to school on time and was late on numerous occasions. I enjoyed walking to school with a friend of mine, but because I was constantly oversleeping, I missed out on those opportunities.

It continued into adulthood, but I was able to get medication to combat the problem. At first, it was over-the-counter remedies. Then it progressed to prescription drugs. They worked for several years. Then a few years ago, they stopped working.

I've tried a variety of techniques: warm milk, warm baths/showers right before bed, herbal tea and supplements, a white noise machine, lavender room spray, self-hypnosis, acupuncture, etc. If you can think of it, I have probably tried it. Doctors really have no idea and recommended a sleep study. Unfortunately, the last few insurers I had would not cover the study and the cost was too much for me.

Why should I expect an insurance company to take my problem seriously if most people don't? Whenever I mention that I didn't sleep the night before, it's open season on advice. Some say that I don't try hard enough. Or that I don't expend enough energy during the day. Even when I was lifting heavy boxes all day at work and going to the gym on a daily basis I still suffered from many sleepless nights.

Sometimes, I am able to sleep normally for a little while if I go to bed between 4:00 and 5:00 AM and wake up naturally at 12:00 or 1:00 PM. This doesn't always work, either, and there have been several times over the past few years that I have been up for 3 days straight. It's hard to get a job, though. Most late night jobs involve a lot of physical strength and the ones that don't (like working in a 7-11, for example) end up becoming an argument about my safety with my family.

I also don't appreciate the idea that people who "sleep late" are "lazy." I am actually very busy late at night doing housework, homework, and shopping (mostly online but have actually gone grocery shopping at 11:00 PM). Sleeping till noon when you went to sleep at 4:00 AM technically isn't "sleeping in" since that would only be 8 hours of sleep, but it's definitely perceived that way. Society treats early birds as virtuous, hard-working people; night owls are treated like lazy bums.

When I don't sleep for over 24 hours, I start getting jittery and anxious. After 48 hours, I start to have mood swings. I get to the point where I'm jumping to conclusions, getting angry or sad at the simplest things, dropping things, and having trouble concentrating. After a couple days without sleep, I refuse to drive. I read once that a sleep-deprived driver is as bad as an intoxicated driver.

I just want to live like a normal person.

Life Lost and Gone

I have been overweight my entire life. When I look back at photographs from my childhood, I can clearly see that from grade school on, I weighed more than what was normal for my age. From time to time, I was thinner, but never thin enough to be close to normal.

That's a heavy burden for a child to carry. Classmates can be unbelievably cruel. Taunts and insults were a daily thing. Friends---or at least TRUE friends---are few are far between. Even adults were cruel in their own way. It was very hard as a child to grasp the concept that these people, who I am supposed to respect and trust, could be so hurtful.

There were many times I felt completely alone. My parents did the best they could, but unfortunately, a loving parent sees you in a way that the rest of the world cannot. They love unconditionally, regardless of appearance.

I desperately wanted companionship. I wanted to be the friend that other people wanted to be around. But I always felt like I was tagging along. It felt as if I was chasing friendship rather than being a part of it. If I didn't do anything to get myself noticed, I would soon be forgotten and ignored.

In my 20's, I wanted to go out and embrace life, but soon found that I was usually going alone. There were a few outings with friends, but our friendships never lasted long. I think my insecurity always got in the way. Some friends preyed on my lack of confidence and used me. I did volunteer work, joined a few churches, and went out whenever I could. But never felt like I measured up.

Do I believe that my obesity played a role in missing out on what could have the best years of my life? Absolutely. Do I think my life would be different today if I had felt like a part of the crowd? Without a doubt. I cannot change the past, but the longer I stay overweight, the longer I will have to suffer. Now I am suffering the consequences of being chronically overweight which make spending time with others even more difficult.

An Unexpected Souvenir

Last week, I went to the Jersey shore with my boyfriend and enjoyed a few beautiful days at the beach. We did very little shopping, but we both returned home with more than we left with. Unfortunately, I'm not just talking about all the sand that accumulated in our luggage and in the car. Despite spending hours in the ocean and "walking the boards", we both put on 5 pounds. That's not exactly the kind of souvenir we had hoped to bring home with us.

In the grand scheme of things, 5 pounds is a drop in the bucket and we'll both probably lose it right away now that we're back to eating homemade meals. While we both made an effort to eat balanced meals, from time to time we splurged on a few things we normally don't eat like funnel cake and fried crab cakes.

It's easy to get depressed about gaining a few pounds and feel like I've taken a terrible step backward in my weight loss efforts. First of all, 5 pounds is not the end of the world, but I got into this situation because I gained a little bit here and there until suddenly all those small gains added up. Second of all, the effort it takes to lose 5 pounds is far greater than the amount of effort that it took to gain the weight. But I have to apply a little sanity and logic here. I can't let a few pounds ruin my optimism and destroy my motivation.

So instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got up and went to the gym this morning. And I plan to go to tomorrow, Wednesday, and every day for the rest of the week. It's the only logical way to approach this.

Sometimes when I gain weight, I end up feeling terrible. And for some odd reason, when I feel discouraged, I want to eat junk food. It's completely counter to what I should be doing but at the time, it seems to make sense. I guess that's why they call it "comfort food."

Diabetes

Yesterday, I got some very upsetting news. Tests that my doctor ordered confirmed that I have diabetes. Although I am not completely surprised by this, I am definitely upset about it.

I know a lot about the illness because so many friends and family have diabetes. And it is mentioned frequently on television and in magazines. But I still have a lot to learn.

My doctor referred me to classes to learn about nutrition. What annoys me is that my insurance covers the diabetes education classes now but refused to cover a nutritionist before I got the illness. I feel that if I had the proper guidance years ago, I might have been able to avoid getting diabetes now.

I am disappointed with myself, too. Did I fail to do enough to prevent this? If I had the ability to turn back time, what exactly would I do to make things different? Is this all my fault?

I am overwhelmed right now. I'm trying to lose weight, find a job, take care of my health, and go back to school. It seems like I am trying to change just about everything in my life with very little guidance.

I am lucky, however, to have the support of family and friends. This has been a very hard couple of years for me and I'm not sure I could have kept my head above water without their support.

Waiting....

Probably one of the most difficult things about getting in shape is waiting. Whether you're embarking on a journey that involves losing 100 pounds or perfecting a six-pack for summer, the results are hard to wait for.

One of my biggest flaws is being impatient. Sometimes, a little impatience is okay. It gets you motivated and determined. Most of the time, though, it's just an unnecessary stress.

It's difficult to look in the mirror and see very little change. You're surviving on twigs and berries and going to the gym more often than the kids on Jersey Shore, but nothing seems to be happening. It gets so frustrating that you find yourself doing stupid, foolish things like pigging out.

But nature likes to take it's good old time. Let's face it: you didnt gain all that weight in a week, so why do you think you're going to be able to lose it that fast? Sometimes the changes are so gradual, you don't even see them. (Ever see someone you haven't talked to in a couple of weeks and she asks, "Wow! Did you lose weight? You look great."?)

So while I'm cursing the scale for being stuck on the same stupid number, I am actually noticing a few changes. For one, my resting heart rate is lower than it was a couple of months ago. Also, when I'm cooling down, my heart rate returns to normal faster than it did 60 days ago.

These sound like terribly insignificant changes, but they actually aren't. It is a sign that my cardiovascular fitness is improving.

I've also noticed that since I've started exercising on a regular schedule (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at the same time every day), I've been sleeping better. Not a lot better yet. But I am having fewer sleepless nights.

Again, I am terrible when it comes to being patient, but hopefully I won't have to wait too much longer to start seeing fabulous results!

Pass the Eyeliner

One misconception that some have about overweight women is that we've "given up" and don't care about our appearance. I recently overheard a conversation in which one person asked the other why a woman who was out of earshot would bother to put on make-up and style her hair if she's overweight. His friend's reply was that she shouldn't even bother.

It wasn't said about me, but the words still stung. It also was not the first time I've heard comments such as these.

First of all, despite what TV would have you believe, being overweight is not equivalent to being unattractive. Of course, I'm not saying it's healthy or anything like that, but what I am saying is that a lot of people are attracted to others regardless of size. Hell, I even know guys who go crazy over a girl with a little extra "meat on her bones." Same for the ladies. Some go bonkers for "big" guys.

Second, how big is too big to "look nice"? 30 lbs. overweight? 50 lbs.? 75? What about people who are engaging in other unhealthy habits like smoking? Should they toss out all their lipstick and hair gel, too? Of course not. So why do some people say such stupid things?

I'm still going to wear jewelry and eye shadow and I'm still going to straighten my hair no matter what size I am. If someone doesn't like it, well then it's going to be too bad. And even though I'd love to stoop to their level and pick apart their appearance, I'm not. It might make me feel better for just a moment, but then I'd be doing the same thing they're doing.

It's easy for me to say these things and sound like I'm stronger than I am, but the truth is I'm not. I still pause in the mirror and ask myself how I'd look if I we just a few pounds thinner. I sometimes ask myself why I just don't cut off all my hair and give up on hooking that stupid necklace clasp behind my head. The thing that keeps me going on is knowing that I'm not alone. Many people feel the same way and I guess that gives me the push I need to go on.

When you are overweight, it seems that every single piece of food that you touch becomes open to public scrutiny.

The people who stare at what you’re buying in the checkout line are bad enough. Even worse are strangers who feel the need to comment on your purchase. One of the most recent embarrassing moments occurred when I was purchasing doughnuts for a meeting at work. They were pre-packaged by the dozen and buy-one-get-one-free. Since there were a lot of people attending the meeting, I splurged and picked up four boxes. (Other coworkers were picking up things like hot coffee, cream cheese, bagels, etc.) With a smirk and a phony giggle, the cashier commented, “These aren’t all for you, are they?” I actually felt my face turn red. I was so flustered that I was speechless. I just kind of smiled and laughed. In reality, I simply wanted to vanish right there on the spot. I felt like every customer within earshot was staring at me. I was completely humiliated.

There are the “should you really be eating that” friends who openly criticize whatever you eat. Once at lunch, I ordered an iced tea. I like unsweetened tea, but this stuff tasted terrible. There was only sugar on the table and so I picked one up and opened it. To my surprise, my uncaring pal asked, “I thought you were on a diet.” I was so embarrassed at what she said that I ended up drinking the refill without sugar, even though it didn’t taste very good and sugar would have really helped. I should have spoken up and asked for a diet soda instead. Even better, I should have told my “friend” that it was none of her business. (Note that a packet of sugar is usually about 15 calories so it wouldn’t have been the end of the world to eat sugar on that one occasion.)

On the flip side, you have people who think you aren’t eating enough. What most people don’t realize is that the actual portion sizes adults should be eating is a lot smaller than what we’re used to seeing. We are accustomed to going into restaurants and being served massive piles of food on oversized plates. What we don’t realize is that these meals are nearly enough for two or three meals. Add appetizers and dessert and you’re way over your recommended caloric intake for the day.

For example, a serving of meat is 3 ounces and should be about the size of a deck of cards and a 1/2 cup serving of pasta should be about the size of a tennis ball. It doesn’t look like much and when I eat these recommended servings in front of friends and family I get, “Are you sure you’re eating enough?” Are you kidding me? Do I look like I’m starving? The reality is that this amount of food is sufficient and when I take the time to eat slowly, I usually feel full.

Then, they get to say, “I told you so!” in a couple of hours when I eat a non-fat yogurt or some fruit for a snack. “See… I told you that you’d be hungry later!” Every nutritionist I’ve ever seen and nearly every diet I’ve ever followed has recommended eating three “squares” in addition to two sensible snacks in between. Eating huge meals is not healthy or satisfying. (Ever eat a huge meal very quickly and get the feeling that a cannon ball was just dropped into your stomach? Well, that’s not the feeling you’re supposed to get.)

And when “snack time” does come around, I’m not starving. I’m just a little hungry. Often, a single banana, for example, is enough until my next meal. Of course, there are days that I’m hungrier. And there are days that I’m not even hungry between meals. Again, I know should tell them to mind their own business, but I’m so used to hearing criticism that I clam up and say nothing.

I have had pals who insisted that I join them at a buffet-style restaurant, and then criticize me for not eating three plates worth of salad. They’re the same people who call me obsessed when I ask for nutrition information at a restaurant before ordering. It feels as if I’m losing a battle of sanity with the same people who are supposed to be my “support system.” (Not my term. This is a phrase that doctors always seem to use when they refer to my friends and family. It sounds like they’re concerned with the quality of the shocks in my car rather than real human beings!)

It may sound like I’m being a jerk when it comes to people I know and that’s not true. Most comments that I get are out of concern and only a few have been rude. (These people are no longer my friends, but usually for many reasons.) I think that everyone has been faced with such conflicting and confusing information when it comes to a healthy diet that everyone has developed their own idea of what is healthy. I’ve probably done the same things to myself when it comes to my own approach to eating better.