Life Lost and Gone

I have been overweight my entire life. When I look back at photographs from my childhood, I can clearly see that from grade school on, I weighed more than what was normal for my age. From time to time, I was thinner, but never thin enough to be close to normal.

That's a heavy burden for a child to carry. Classmates can be unbelievably cruel. Taunts and insults were a daily thing. Friends---or at least TRUE friends---are few are far between. Even adults were cruel in their own way. It was very hard as a child to grasp the concept that these people, who I am supposed to respect and trust, could be so hurtful.

There were many times I felt completely alone. My parents did the best they could, but unfortunately, a loving parent sees you in a way that the rest of the world cannot. They love unconditionally, regardless of appearance.

I desperately wanted companionship. I wanted to be the friend that other people wanted to be around. But I always felt like I was tagging along. It felt as if I was chasing friendship rather than being a part of it. If I didn't do anything to get myself noticed, I would soon be forgotten and ignored.

In my 20's, I wanted to go out and embrace life, but soon found that I was usually going alone. There were a few outings with friends, but our friendships never lasted long. I think my insecurity always got in the way. Some friends preyed on my lack of confidence and used me. I did volunteer work, joined a few churches, and went out whenever I could. But never felt like I measured up.

Do I believe that my obesity played a role in missing out on what could have the best years of my life? Absolutely. Do I think my life would be different today if I had felt like a part of the crowd? Without a doubt. I cannot change the past, but the longer I stay overweight, the longer I will have to suffer. Now I am suffering the consequences of being chronically overweight which make spending time with others even more difficult.

An Unexpected Souvenir

Last week, I went to the Jersey shore with my boyfriend and enjoyed a few beautiful days at the beach. We did very little shopping, but we both returned home with more than we left with. Unfortunately, I'm not just talking about all the sand that accumulated in our luggage and in the car. Despite spending hours in the ocean and "walking the boards", we both put on 5 pounds. That's not exactly the kind of souvenir we had hoped to bring home with us.

In the grand scheme of things, 5 pounds is a drop in the bucket and we'll both probably lose it right away now that we're back to eating homemade meals. While we both made an effort to eat balanced meals, from time to time we splurged on a few things we normally don't eat like funnel cake and fried crab cakes.

It's easy to get depressed about gaining a few pounds and feel like I've taken a terrible step backward in my weight loss efforts. First of all, 5 pounds is not the end of the world, but I got into this situation because I gained a little bit here and there until suddenly all those small gains added up. Second of all, the effort it takes to lose 5 pounds is far greater than the amount of effort that it took to gain the weight. But I have to apply a little sanity and logic here. I can't let a few pounds ruin my optimism and destroy my motivation.

So instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got up and went to the gym this morning. And I plan to go to tomorrow, Wednesday, and every day for the rest of the week. It's the only logical way to approach this.

Sometimes when I gain weight, I end up feeling terrible. And for some odd reason, when I feel discouraged, I want to eat junk food. It's completely counter to what I should be doing but at the time, it seems to make sense. I guess that's why they call it "comfort food."