Life Lost and Gone

I have been overweight my entire life. When I look back at photographs from my childhood, I can clearly see that from grade school on, I weighed more than what was normal for my age. From time to time, I was thinner, but never thin enough to be close to normal.

That's a heavy burden for a child to carry. Classmates can be unbelievably cruel. Taunts and insults were a daily thing. Friends---or at least TRUE friends---are few are far between. Even adults were cruel in their own way. It was very hard as a child to grasp the concept that these people, who I am supposed to respect and trust, could be so hurtful.

There were many times I felt completely alone. My parents did the best they could, but unfortunately, a loving parent sees you in a way that the rest of the world cannot. They love unconditionally, regardless of appearance.

I desperately wanted companionship. I wanted to be the friend that other people wanted to be around. But I always felt like I was tagging along. It felt as if I was chasing friendship rather than being a part of it. If I didn't do anything to get myself noticed, I would soon be forgotten and ignored.

In my 20's, I wanted to go out and embrace life, but soon found that I was usually going alone. There were a few outings with friends, but our friendships never lasted long. I think my insecurity always got in the way. Some friends preyed on my lack of confidence and used me. I did volunteer work, joined a few churches, and went out whenever I could. But never felt like I measured up.

Do I believe that my obesity played a role in missing out on what could have the best years of my life? Absolutely. Do I think my life would be different today if I had felt like a part of the crowd? Without a doubt. I cannot change the past, but the longer I stay overweight, the longer I will have to suffer. Now I am suffering the consequences of being chronically overweight which make spending time with others even more difficult.