Wanting to Leave

Today I feel cold. Which is unlike me. I am rarely cold. But today I am cold. I want to be away from here. I want to be at home, wrapped in a warm blanket watching a movie or some reruns on Netflix. I don't feel like reading, though. My mind is too cluttered and unfocused. I don't want to be here any longer. I passed a member of PTK and there was no recognition. No one knows me here. I am an island. I would feel like i didn't exist if I didn't get the stares from the young and beautiful who are just taking classes between social engagements. I make them sick. I make myself sick. So they say when you're down find a way to reward yourself. With what? Food is my enemy. I can't treat myself to a chocolate bar or a sundae. I'd like some new clothes but very little fits and what fits is too expensive. Can't afford a shiny new video game. Can't afford anything really. Having to borrow a few dollars from your parents to go out with acquaintances just so you don't have to stare at the same four walls is humiliating. I feel like someone has taken pity on me. I imagined that life today would be so different back then. It's not what I had imagined. It's nothing like that at all. 34 feels like 18, except I'm slower, older, heavier. I feel drained. Like I'm wading through molasses. And the dream that was just in reach has been moved farther away. It's as if this endeavor was in vain. Time is moving too quickly and is running out. Maybe I should just leave now. Go home and cry myself to sleep.