I understand, but...

Lately, I have been hearing a lot of this nonsense:

“I understand that you have depression, but there’s no reason you have to mope around and be unhappy.”

“I understand that you have anxiety, but you don’t need to have panic attacks and ‘freak out’ so much.”

“I understand that you have ADHD, but there’s no reason why you can’t concentrate like everyone else.”

“I understand that you have autism, but you should be able to learn the material just as easily as everyone else if you try hard enough.”

“I understand that you have asthma, but there’s no reason you can’t work out as hard as the rest of us.”

Obviously, this isn’t all directed at me (I don’t have all of these conditions). But over my life, I’ve heard a few statements that were similar to these. And for some reason I’ve been hearing statements similar to these a lot lately.

Saying that you understand and following it up with a completely contradictory statement means that you truly don’t understand. There are people in the world who suffer from illnesses that you probably will never fully understand. I don’t know what it’s like to suffer from multiple sclerosis, for example. So I can’t tell someone who does what they should or should not be able to accomplish. I can encourage them. I can listen. I can try to understand. But if they say they can’t, then they can’t.

I’m not perfect. I know there are times when I’ve underestimated or overestimated what others with mental and physical health problems could or couldn’t do. If you’re reading this and I’ve done this to you and never apologized because I didn’t realize my error, then I am sorry.

But if you say you understand, then you have to accept that with understanding there are things that person can or can’t do that you won’t be able to comprehend. Even if you suffer from the same illness, your experience will not be the same as another person’s struggle. You can’t say, “Well, I have such-and-such, but you don’t see ME having a problem!” Use your success in dealing with your problem to support and help another person who might need someone right now. If you truly understand, then you accept that person “as-is.” And if you can’t, simply say, “I’m sorry but I don’t understand what you’re dealing with at all.” I’d rather here that than “I understand, but…”