No Rest for the Weary

Another sleepless night. It has become a frustrating trend that is becoming a major problem. No matter how exhausted I am, I can't sleep.

It started in high school. I never really stayed up late on purpose, but falling asleep felt like jumping a hurdle and I could never seem to make the jump easily. Some days I would go to school with no sleep whatsoever. Other days, I rushed desperately to get to school on time and was late on numerous occasions. I enjoyed walking to school with a friend of mine, but because I was constantly oversleeping, I missed out on those opportunities.

It continued into adulthood, but I was able to get medication to combat the problem. At first, it was over-the-counter remedies. Then it progressed to prescription drugs. They worked for several years. Then a few years ago, they stopped working.

I've tried a variety of techniques: warm milk, warm baths/showers right before bed, herbal tea and supplements, a white noise machine, lavender room spray, self-hypnosis, acupuncture, etc. If you can think of it, I have probably tried it. Doctors really have no idea and recommended a sleep study. Unfortunately, the last few insurers I had would not cover the study and the cost was too much for me.

Why should I expect an insurance company to take my problem seriously if most people don't? Whenever I mention that I didn't sleep the night before, it's open season on advice. Some say that I don't try hard enough. Or that I don't expend enough energy during the day. Even when I was lifting heavy boxes all day at work and going to the gym on a daily basis I still suffered from many sleepless nights.

Sometimes, I am able to sleep normally for a little while if I go to bed between 4:00 and 5:00 AM and wake up naturally at 12:00 or 1:00 PM. This doesn't always work, either, and there have been several times over the past few years that I have been up for 3 days straight. It's hard to get a job, though. Most late night jobs involve a lot of physical strength and the ones that don't (like working in a 7-11, for example) end up becoming an argument about my safety with my family.

I also don't appreciate the idea that people who "sleep late" are "lazy." I am actually very busy late at night doing housework, homework, and shopping (mostly online but have actually gone grocery shopping at 11:00 PM). Sleeping till noon when you went to sleep at 4:00 AM technically isn't "sleeping in" since that would only be 8 hours of sleep, but it's definitely perceived that way. Society treats early birds as virtuous, hard-working people; night owls are treated like lazy bums.

When I don't sleep for over 24 hours, I start getting jittery and anxious. After 48 hours, I start to have mood swings. I get to the point where I'm jumping to conclusions, getting angry or sad at the simplest things, dropping things, and having trouble concentrating. After a couple days without sleep, I refuse to drive. I read once that a sleep-deprived driver is as bad as an intoxicated driver.

I just want to live like a normal person.